To Continue?

As this blog was started due to an english assignment, I'm not sure whether or not to continue writing. Although I guess technically because I'm publishing this post, I am continuing. There's so many things I want to learn, accomplish, discover, and visit that the list would take pages to get it all down. One thing for certain is I don't want to end up alone. I've been living in this fantasy world that, while pushing me to succeed, is hindering my judgement on relationships. Not just romantic ones, but friendships as well. I've come to realize that you can't live your life on what could have been and what could be, you have to live in the moment. The past and future do not exist, there is only the present. It will never be the past, it will never be future, so I need to start living like it. 

Writing is a wonderful escape that lets anyone create a world where whatever they imagine goes. It's the place to get all the emotions I'm feeling out and in words so they won't stay bottled up inside. I'm not young enough to know the world, but not old enough to understand happiness. 

Happiness is just a state of mind. A person who has the world siting at their feet can be unhappy because they only see the negative and not the opportunities right in front of them. A person who has nothing can be happy because all that matters to them is the opportunities to better their situation. In college we are supposed to "find" our self, realize what we really want to do. Do what makes us happy. But what if we don't know? What if we never know? What if we have so many things we want to do and we spread ourselves too thin and we fall? 

I like to look at the glass half full. I'm the friend who provides the positive spin on a situation. I'm the one people ask for help and guidance. I'm the glue. But just because you can teach something, doesn't mean you can do it yourself. As the saying goes, those who can't do teach. While it is generally used as a put-down, I think it has some merit. I'm not trying to be cocky or arrogant when I say I'm really good at making other people feel better, but it's a gift of mine. I can see patterns. People have patterns. For whatever reason I can read people and usually have a pretty good guess at what their personality is like and how they act. I've learned the hard way not to trust the friends who are close to me. The more I trust someone, the less I can read them. 

Helping people is something I love doing, it makes me feel better to give than to receive. The only problem is, this amazing insight I have, I can't seem to apply to my own life. I need someone else to make me feel loved and tell me that the little things do matter, because as much as I want to be independent, I'm not. Very few people are self sustainable. Most if not all, need someone. Why? Because everyone has insecurities, but most of us are able to hide behind facades because being insecure is a weakness.

Christmas

Christmas is the reason for the season, at least to me. Christmas is by far my favorite holiday, over Valentine's Day, over New Years, even over my birthday. I LOVE Christmas! When I was younger, we used to go up to Mammoth each year up to Christmas Eve. As 8 year old I was skiing down black diamond runs, making snowmen and saucer ramps, and playing in the snow. About 6 or 7 years ago, my grandfather split from his third wife, the person I still refer to as a grandma and consider family, so we no longer continue our trips, since it was "their" trip. We've settled for a Christmas Eve party with games like Dominoes, the Christmas Exchange, and now, my grandpa has a Wii. And he actually plays. That's my mom's side. For as long as I can remember we have either slept over at her house or gone over there in the morning after we opened presents at our house, left, and then come back for the "family" dinner.

At our own house, we have the tree, the lights, and Snow Village. My mom's mom, another grandmother, bought the town and city set. These are not cheap and are from Department 56. So that whole display takes a day in itself to get down, get out of the boxes, set up, and plugged in. This past weekend we put up the outdoor lights. I was so happy, my mom was amazed we got them out before December, the past couple of years have gone up a little late because we were busy. Next is the tree. I'm hoping I can convince my dad to get the tree Saturday :D and then we can put the lights on and decorate it with our ornaments. Some were passed down, some my mother made, some are keepsakes, some our memorial ones, some are the quirky ones, and some my brother and I made when we were younger. I think it represents Christmas more than the general red and gold orbs with ribbon around it. And since when did we decide to sell pre-decorated Christmas trees? It's truly pathetic.

Being a Christmas fanatic I'm sure in later years when I have my own home and family I'll be in the newspaper because of all the blow-ups decorations, lights, and other holiday decor assembled on the front of my property. For now, I settle for helping everyone else put theirs up.

Oh and 21 days til Christmas.

College..

In high school I always tried to avoid being in a certain crowd, there are usually unwritten bylaws to being in a cliche. You can't hang out with these people, you have to dislike these people, you have to like these things, you do all sorts of things you might not necessarily do if you weren't hanging out with people who thought thay way. I've come to realize it's better to be everyone's friend, and have your own best friends. For better or worse I am a people pleaser, to an extent. No matter where I go I can generally get along with just about everyone, but usually don't get past the friend stage. First of all I have trust issues, but secondly, I'm more accepting than most people. Probably to a fault. I'm usually willing to believe people, however if they break my trust it's really hard for me to give it back.

College dynamics don't seem to be so different. There are still the popular people, the cliches, the wannabes, and those who are in the middle. Already, two months in two my time here, I've had opportunites to be part of certain groups. One I would have liked to have stayed in but do to circumstances out of my control, I could not. One I'm not sure I fit the cliche but rather am a good person to hang out with, and I'm more friends with just one of the people. Another I kind of am avoiding getting to serious with or too close to because I'm uncomfortable. I'm torn between staying in the group and distancing myself. Is it better to have a group you're uncomfortable with or to stay a drifter? I'm making the easy choice or lack of choice by not making a decision.

Halloween

Towards the end of October I began to see people huffily setting out there Halloween decorations, noticeably distraught about how they're currently using their time. At first I'm already shocked at how every holiday has become commercial. It's all about what you can buy and what your "house" looks like. I'm part of the downfall of society because I'm a die hard commercialized Christmas fan. When I get a house I'm getting the 12 ft. tree with all the ornaments, inside lights and decorations, and of course, all of the outdoor displays. Except, I love it! I can't wait for the day after Thanksgiving to start decorating for Christmas! So why are people who don't want to decorate their houses doing it? Yes, granted I live in a middle class to upper middle-class neighborhood. Is it an assumption we're all suppose to decorate our houses? 

I also find "For Sale" signs decorating countless lawns in the area. I can't walk down to the park without seeing at least five houses. In two small blocks, there are at least five family's homes on the market. At least five. In most cities in the Inland Empire, everyone is getting new neighbors so I think people are either forcing themselves to put out decorations or not doing it. In Moreno Valley alone the foreclosure rate, be it short sale or repossessed houses, is around 90%. Let's say there is 200,000 homes in the city, that means 180,000 are in the process or have been foreclosed. That is insane and sad! I don't pretend to know about the subprime loans or what caused the housing collapse, but I know you can't build a strong nation with strangers. So many people are moving that we may not even know even a handful of people around us. My mother is in the real estate industry and every night she comes back talking about the craziness we're all in. 

Pictures coming soon..

Response to "The dog in the picture..."

Originally I was going to comment on her post, but at some point I realized it was probably too long. Plus it is something I am very passionate about and take very deeply to heart. Here's her post. 

Entering your class I had respect for you because you are a doctor and you had to do an insane amount of work to receive that piece of paper. Also, because you are more than willing to believe that your students may actually have some insight. It's refreshing to have fair treatment in a class room. After reading this post, I have even more respect for you. I have a tough exterior but animals pull at my heart strings. Taking in stray dogs is an amazing act of generosity and you are a remarkable person for doing it. I believe in karma and one day you are going to get your just reward.

I'm seeing dogs around big stores more often and it kills me to see them with collars, lost and confused. I look at these helpless animals and I think, how heartless do you have to be to just wrongly abandon something so innocent and caring? It doesn't take that much effort to drive them to a no-kill shelter or give them to someone who will love them.

Recently I've come across this amazing organization called New Leash On Life. In essence it saves dogs and finds loving homes for them. As more and more people find out about NLOL, they grow larger and develop more great programs. Check it out.

What Now?

I'm not sure if I mentioned it before but this "place blog" is an assignment for my English class. For the past few posts we have had directions on what to write about, but from here on out we're on our own. Our professor has provided some ideas if we're not sure. I figure it's easier to write about what you know and what's going on, or went on, in your life. Although others feel it is too personal and would rather not discuss their problems were almost anyone can read about it. My solution is to layout the situation but be vague on details.

Where do we go from here? As an old eighteen year old, I tend to view the world a tad bit differently than people my age. Meaning I've had that moment in my life were I wake up from the surreal world most children are born into and took a long hard look at my life and where I was headed. During the summer of my sophomore and junior year I had a revelation that I was headed no where fast and that I had to get my act together to get to where I wanted to go. 

I suppose it's good thing to be the responsible teenager, the one who thinks things through, and can usually tell when a friend is getting themselves in trouble. Sometimes, I wish I was still naive and unaware, so I could enjoy the bliss. 

Living on your own is a huge step most of us thought we were prepared to make. Yet, I think a good percentage of us find that it's harder to be independent than we first imagined. Amazing how those little things are our kryptonite. Adjusting to life on campus was a smooth transition,  and contrary to my own belief, I end up going home every weekend. Before college I never dreamed I was going back home at the end of each week, I'd have more important assignments to work on or people to see. But even as I write this post, I sit in my favorite armchair in my parents' house. Funny how being somewhere familiar can set the soul at ease. Even if it's not a place you'd like to stay, it's oddly comforting.

More frequently than I'd like to believe I have trouble sleeping at night. At times I wander. A couple streets down there's a park that's more entertaining than one might think. It's safe, contrary to popular belief. Thundersky Park gives me a place to think about all the crazyness happening in my life and the world and my mind. Refuge that I sometimes so desperately need. 

Being the "older"soul, whether I would like to or not my brain is constantly on overdrive thinking about everything. Over analyzing every possible decision there is and even some that could arise. I've never been tested, but I have ADD. I refuse to "officially" find out because I'm not going to let a technicality hold me back. How many people these days use Attention Deficit Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder as an excuse that they can't accomplish even the smallest goals? How many of them are guys? Personally, I will not become another statistic. It just means I have to work that much harder to do what I need to get done. Plus I believe that's what keeps me up at night, my thoughts don't slow down.

Thundersky Park is refuge. I ponder away. I'm one of those people who is consistently over loading myself, because otherwise I feel like I'm wasting valuable time. We only live so long and there is so much I hope to accomplish and learn. Bonus, when I'm busy the whole day I'm usually so exhausted by the end of the day I actually sleep. Instead of ending up a few blocks away.

At college, it isn't the safest neighborhood, so I can't just go exploring at 2 in the morning. One night/morning, I walked the main areas of campus, but it isn't the same. I don't have that place to escape to or hide away in. Isn't it funny how we associate locations with emotions? Like those areas were we always end up in a foul, happy, sad, fill-in-the-blank?

In its early stages, insomnia is almost an oasis in which those who have to think or suffer darkly take refuge. ~Collete

This was kind of all over the map this time -.-

Where Am I Going?

Where am I going? Only time will tell. The future is a fairly loose concept, it changes from one second to the next as we keep changing our minds. Who's to say where I am going to be in the next year, five years, fifty years? I am going to be making bank as a VP of Marketing at some fortune 500 company like Pac Sun? I am going to be acting a blockbuster movies with Daniel Radcliffe? I am going to be the next Oprah? Who knows? I am going to have a medioacre job where I live to work? Absolutely not.

I may not know where I'm going, but I know where I'm not. I'm not going to end up a middle class schmuck who gets taxed more than they make, and get paid less than they deserve. I cannot live a life that revolves around how I'm going to pay the next bill. I've seen my parents do it and that kind of life, a half-life, just isn't going to cut it. My dream is to make enough money so that I can do all kinds of things. Like traveling around the world, having the nice house, having the car I really want, being able to buy things not just for me, but the people I love. While also having the time to do this. I want it all, and I know it won't come easy.

For now, I want to either be a VP of Marketing for a fortune 500 company or an agent for actors. I wouldn't hold on to that too long though. I used to want to be a lawyer, than a radio DJ, a professional soccer player, an actress, and an author. Currently my major is Business Administration with a focus in Marketing. The creative side of the job appeals to me because I enjoy creating new approaches to the way people view things or see things. Also, because you have to be a people person to make it. It's all about what you say and the people you can surround yourself with.

Luckily for me, I usually learn from my mistakes and get along with most people. Plus I have a determination and competitive drive that is unrelenting. I hardly want for much, sure I would enjoy things, but if I really want something, I will find a way to get it. At times, what I want changes because my emotions get in the way, but it usually ends up decently in the end.
Where am I going? For the next four to five years I'm going to college to get a bachelor of science or art in marketing while trying to be involved in other things around campus with possibly a job. After that, only time will tell.

The Origins

I was born at Riverside Community Hospital, and 18 years later, I'm still here. Well, I live at my college campus, but my parents' house is in Riverside. Out of all the schools I attended, only one was not in the city. As a kid, or product of the housing boom and eventual decline, I moved around a lot, but none out of the Inland Empire. From where I can remember I've lived on the "north" side and "new south" side of Moreno Valley, "orangecrest" in Riverside, and the "hawarden" area of Riverside. In orangcrest I've lived in three different houses. 

Changing schools comes with moving. From pre-school to 3rd grade I attended a private school. At the start of the traditional schedule of 4th grade, I attended Alcott (Riverside), and than at the start of the round-track schedule I attended Sugarhill (Moreno Valley) and started the 5th grade with them. At the start of the traditional year for 5th grade I went to Victoria (Riverside) and finished 6th grade there. My first year completing a grade since 3rd. Than I went to Earhart (Riverside) for middle school and North (Riverside) for high school. The best part about all this is that Victoria was in a different part of Riverside than Earhart, and that was in a different part of the city than North. 

Looking back now, moving around a lot and never really having a place to settle down is probably why I don't feel like where I live is home. Sure I call it that because it's the common word for society, but it doesn't feel like "home" for me. I've had it in my mind since I was little and we first moved that no place we were staying was home. It wasn't going to be permanent. 

As I get older and I'm living on my own it begins to dawn on me that home isn't necessarily a location, it's a mind set. Home is wherever you feel most comfortable with whomever you feel most comfortable. Home is the place in your mind where you are at peace and can go when you need somewhere to run to. Home is whatever you make it.