To Continue?

As this blog was started due to an english assignment, I'm not sure whether or not to continue writing. Although I guess technically because I'm publishing this post, I am continuing. There's so many things I want to learn, accomplish, discover, and visit that the list would take pages to get it all down. One thing for certain is I don't want to end up alone. I've been living in this fantasy world that, while pushing me to succeed, is hindering my judgement on relationships. Not just romantic ones, but friendships as well. I've come to realize that you can't live your life on what could have been and what could be, you have to live in the moment. The past and future do not exist, there is only the present. It will never be the past, it will never be future, so I need to start living like it. 

Writing is a wonderful escape that lets anyone create a world where whatever they imagine goes. It's the place to get all the emotions I'm feeling out and in words so they won't stay bottled up inside. I'm not young enough to know the world, but not old enough to understand happiness. 

Happiness is just a state of mind. A person who has the world siting at their feet can be unhappy because they only see the negative and not the opportunities right in front of them. A person who has nothing can be happy because all that matters to them is the opportunities to better their situation. In college we are supposed to "find" our self, realize what we really want to do. Do what makes us happy. But what if we don't know? What if we never know? What if we have so many things we want to do and we spread ourselves too thin and we fall? 

I like to look at the glass half full. I'm the friend who provides the positive spin on a situation. I'm the one people ask for help and guidance. I'm the glue. But just because you can teach something, doesn't mean you can do it yourself. As the saying goes, those who can't do teach. While it is generally used as a put-down, I think it has some merit. I'm not trying to be cocky or arrogant when I say I'm really good at making other people feel better, but it's a gift of mine. I can see patterns. People have patterns. For whatever reason I can read people and usually have a pretty good guess at what their personality is like and how they act. I've learned the hard way not to trust the friends who are close to me. The more I trust someone, the less I can read them. 

Helping people is something I love doing, it makes me feel better to give than to receive. The only problem is, this amazing insight I have, I can't seem to apply to my own life. I need someone else to make me feel loved and tell me that the little things do matter, because as much as I want to be independent, I'm not. Very few people are self sustainable. Most if not all, need someone. Why? Because everyone has insecurities, but most of us are able to hide behind facades because being insecure is a weakness.

Christmas

Christmas is the reason for the season, at least to me. Christmas is by far my favorite holiday, over Valentine's Day, over New Years, even over my birthday. I LOVE Christmas! When I was younger, we used to go up to Mammoth each year up to Christmas Eve. As 8 year old I was skiing down black diamond runs, making snowmen and saucer ramps, and playing in the snow. About 6 or 7 years ago, my grandfather split from his third wife, the person I still refer to as a grandma and consider family, so we no longer continue our trips, since it was "their" trip. We've settled for a Christmas Eve party with games like Dominoes, the Christmas Exchange, and now, my grandpa has a Wii. And he actually plays. That's my mom's side. For as long as I can remember we have either slept over at her house or gone over there in the morning after we opened presents at our house, left, and then come back for the "family" dinner.

At our own house, we have the tree, the lights, and Snow Village. My mom's mom, another grandmother, bought the town and city set. These are not cheap and are from Department 56. So that whole display takes a day in itself to get down, get out of the boxes, set up, and plugged in. This past weekend we put up the outdoor lights. I was so happy, my mom was amazed we got them out before December, the past couple of years have gone up a little late because we were busy. Next is the tree. I'm hoping I can convince my dad to get the tree Saturday :D and then we can put the lights on and decorate it with our ornaments. Some were passed down, some my mother made, some are keepsakes, some our memorial ones, some are the quirky ones, and some my brother and I made when we were younger. I think it represents Christmas more than the general red and gold orbs with ribbon around it. And since when did we decide to sell pre-decorated Christmas trees? It's truly pathetic.

Being a Christmas fanatic I'm sure in later years when I have my own home and family I'll be in the newspaper because of all the blow-ups decorations, lights, and other holiday decor assembled on the front of my property. For now, I settle for helping everyone else put theirs up.

Oh and 21 days til Christmas.